And at this memorial I met a boy. We only glanced at each other, but I felt he was contributing something beautiful to the world. His song was wispy but strong. He inspired me to want to design a dress with these qualities. He was a mystery. But now I know him in the forms of songs and patterns.
In Central Park there is a memorial. It’s called Imagine and is for a very special man named John. He lived a long time ago. And played a guitar. He sang a song about what is possible. And it made many people cry because it spoke the truth of their hearts- everything they were afraid to say and not say. Everything in their dreams. Of passion and serenity. Of something permanent within the impermanence. Of that particular time. 
It’s the trees that capture you- cut out against light and sky. Yellow sky, blue sky, purple. The trees adorn it like lace.
In New York the colors are different; muted pinks and purples and grays- they carry the moisture and stillness and history of New York summers. There is a stayed quality, like a still life, of 1911, of 2011, of yesterday. Everything stands still, and you are in the frame- caught- in the sun and grit of summer. A cab goes by, or an ice cream truck, and you are back in the movement- melting colors supported by steel.
How great it is to take a break and people watch, sipping bitter coffee and putting my kicks up! Today I walked 88 blocks. And designed 88 dresses in my head. Everything is inspiring here. Everything. Every single thing. Even the wet pavement in the summer humidity and rain. Even the manhole covers and rats. Even the guy playing guitar on the subway- warm Gibson. Even the lady on the Upper East Side with coiffed hair who said, “Beauty is something you hold”.
I live in Beachwood Canyon near the school where I’m a librarian by day. By night I go to design school at F.I.D.M. All day I dream of dresses and how fast I can get to class. I love the feeling of cutting fabric. I love how you can tell a rich fabric just by looking at it. By sight, by smell. Finally by touch but you already know so this is like a treat. A good doctor already knows her diagnosis the minute you walk in the door - it’s intuitive. The exam is just a formality - to confirm what she already knew. Like so with fabric. The touch is just a confirmation. Of a connection you already made.
A flower floating in the water is called a puja. This means prayer. Last year I got to go to India for two weeks. I saw the most beautiful fabrics and textiles for my dresses. I saw the most beautiful architecture and rugs. There is a city called Jaisalmer and there, everything is gold- even the buildings. Even the sky. The desert is right there, and the rugs have mirror-glass beads, like round glass eyes. In Jaisalmer I rode a camel and got knocked over by a cow. Near the fountain I saw a man who said he was a holy man. He said a puja for me, but I did not know the meaning. I hoped it was for my dress designs, and my joy, and my heart. He put a pink flower in the water. He shook my hand. Later, I lit a candle and it reflected and refracted in the mirror-glass. Outside it was gold, and golden, and it smelled like wood and smoke, and desert, and I remembered my pink flower, and the fountain and the flower and the holy man felt like a dream.
There is a coffee place near my house where I love to write in the summer and winter. I write my thoughts, and dreams, and heart’s desires. I write about my dresses, what they look like, what they capture, the emotions of them. In the summer it is busy and noisy with people and little dogs. The music is loud and people dance in the line. In the winter it is quiet and rainy, and people sip slowly in the frost and dew.
Heartbreak is not such a bad thing. You can go to the desert, and in the expanse see yourself clearer, and the situation, and renew. You can get a very wide and windy perspective and see yourself from a bird’s eye view of love.
Take full responsibility for everything that happens in your life, and you take your power back. That’s how you do it. It feels so good and freeing!
Take full responsibility for everything that happens in your life, and you take your power back. That’s how you do it. It feels so good and freeing!
In Joshua Tree surrounded by desert and wind. Firepit going- bright orange flames against a light blue sky. Tonight, I barbeque with my friends amongst the rocks and stars.
